Boundary
"How is it?" I asked her as she tasted the dal khichadi I made.
I was never much of a cook. But all those hours that I spent binge-watching food videos was inspiration enough for me to try. One moment I was just watching, and the next moment I was hell-bent on wanting to try out at least one of the dishes. I decided to make dal khichadi because it is my comfort food. There's no beating it. Maybe mac and cheese and fries do come in between my commitment to it, but most of the time, on bad days due to whatever reason, it is my saviour dal khichadi that comes.
"It's pretty good. Not bad for a first time," she said.
I squealed in excitement.
She looked at me and smiled.
"What are you smiling at?" I asked.
"Nothing. Just happy to see you excited for a new hobby! I can see you take this the long way," she said.
I walked back to the kitchen. I put the plate down and breathed for a moment or two.
Things have been difficult. We've been having trouble and good times have receded to just such moments. You know, where one of us is excited and happy and the other acts like they are but there are other bitter things that are at the surface just waiting to come up. Both of us are always looking for the right moment to bring it up. But don't get me wrong. We are excited and happy for each other. But there is so much happening between us that we're unhappy and waiting for this happiness and excitement to cease away slowly and for the bitter part to set in. This way, it doesn't come as a surprise.
"I'm going out for a bit," she said as she picked up her car keys, wore her shoes and walked towards the door without even giving me a chance to ask or say something.
"Okay." That's all I could say. Rather, that's all I have to say to her these days.
It's a rainy day today. I love rainy days. They get me all excited.
But now that every day with her seems like an overcast cloud is hanging above us, waiting to burst into a storm, rainy days' appeal is getting lost to me. And I hate that, or maybe I hate her.
一一一
I love her. I really do. That's why I am willing to go through whatever hell that we are or will be going through to fix this.
一一一
Every day feels like the end. And that is a scary thing to feel. I keep wondering where this is going and it hurts to not know the answer.
And she runs away from it. She runs away from me. She runs away from the effort that we put in together to fight against everything and be where we are.
She just runs.
I wish we could just write letters to each other. That way, both of us will at least know what is going on in each other's heads because right now, all anyone will see are robots. It feels like an act.
But what is causing it? Why are we acting this way? What happened to us?
These are questions that loom in front of me every time I see her.
And no one can answer them except us. But if we refuse to acknowledge the fact that there are questions that are unanswered in the first place, then where do we get the answers from?
Every day I feel it. The thread breaking, the trust shaking, the love leaving. And no one except us can fix it. Because no one except us knows about it.
一一一
We once spoke about boundaries.
How it was necessary because she felt burdened by my problems.
I understood that. I did.
So, she built it. The border, the boundary line.
The only thing was, she didn't build a boundary line between her and my problems.
She built a boundary line between her and I.
And now, it feels like it was never a line after all.
It was a whole wall.
一一一
And I don't think I have what it takes to break that wall.
I was never much of a cook. But all those hours that I spent binge-watching food videos was inspiration enough for me to try. One moment I was just watching, and the next moment I was hell-bent on wanting to try out at least one of the dishes. I decided to make dal khichadi because it is my comfort food. There's no beating it. Maybe mac and cheese and fries do come in between my commitment to it, but most of the time, on bad days due to whatever reason, it is my saviour dal khichadi that comes.
"It's pretty good. Not bad for a first time," she said.
I squealed in excitement.
She looked at me and smiled.
"What are you smiling at?" I asked.
"Nothing. Just happy to see you excited for a new hobby! I can see you take this the long way," she said.
I walked back to the kitchen. I put the plate down and breathed for a moment or two.
Things have been difficult. We've been having trouble and good times have receded to just such moments. You know, where one of us is excited and happy and the other acts like they are but there are other bitter things that are at the surface just waiting to come up. Both of us are always looking for the right moment to bring it up. But don't get me wrong. We are excited and happy for each other. But there is so much happening between us that we're unhappy and waiting for this happiness and excitement to cease away slowly and for the bitter part to set in. This way, it doesn't come as a surprise.
"I'm going out for a bit," she said as she picked up her car keys, wore her shoes and walked towards the door without even giving me a chance to ask or say something.
"Okay." That's all I could say. Rather, that's all I have to say to her these days.
It's a rainy day today. I love rainy days. They get me all excited.
But now that every day with her seems like an overcast cloud is hanging above us, waiting to burst into a storm, rainy days' appeal is getting lost to me. And I hate that, or maybe I hate her.
一一一
I love her. I really do. That's why I am willing to go through whatever hell that we are or will be going through to fix this.
一一一
Every day feels like the end. And that is a scary thing to feel. I keep wondering where this is going and it hurts to not know the answer.
And she runs away from it. She runs away from me. She runs away from the effort that we put in together to fight against everything and be where we are.
She just runs.
I wish we could just write letters to each other. That way, both of us will at least know what is going on in each other's heads because right now, all anyone will see are robots. It feels like an act.
But what is causing it? Why are we acting this way? What happened to us?
These are questions that loom in front of me every time I see her.
And no one can answer them except us. But if we refuse to acknowledge the fact that there are questions that are unanswered in the first place, then where do we get the answers from?
Every day I feel it. The thread breaking, the trust shaking, the love leaving. And no one except us can fix it. Because no one except us knows about it.
一一一
We once spoke about boundaries.
How it was necessary because she felt burdened by my problems.
I understood that. I did.
So, she built it. The border, the boundary line.
The only thing was, she didn't build a boundary line between her and my problems.
She built a boundary line between her and I.
And now, it feels like it was never a line after all.
It was a whole wall.
一一一
And I don't think I have what it takes to break that wall.
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